This morning one of my fears concerning the metro, which we travel by almost daily, occurred.
The metro stopped and all of a sudden the loud speakers came on and were announcing something which I assume to be pretty important, but because I do not speak the language I had no idea what was happening. Then in the same second everyone, I mean everyone, starts running out the doors. Me and Natalie follow behind, because it's rather obvious there is something wrong.
Again, my fear: on an underground metro, in a foreign country, loud speakers announcing a message in a foreign language (that sends everyone running for the doors), and hundreds of people flooding the one of two exit choices we have. Bad situation.
I didn't know what was going on. Fire? Accident? What else?
But I do know that if you don't fight your way through the crowds of this city, you won't get where you are trying to go. Because of the language issue, we were a bit delayed on getting the message to exit the metro, therefore we were one of the last ones off. We stood in the door of it for a while, because the line up the stairs and out of the station are so long. I step off and turn around to see the door closing on Natalie. I freak out. I don't think, which is good and bad, but go straight to fighting to keep the door open to help get her off and whoever else is on...because I have no idea the severity of the situation and why we are being rushed out of the train and up the stairs. I do what I can to get the doors open (like superwoman, seriously I wish someone would have taken my picture at that moment...haha) and eventually it's open enough for Natalie to get off. As soon as she's off, I grab one side of the door and she grabs the other and we pry that thing all the way open - using our entire bodies to hold it so other people can rush off. I'm struggling. She's struggling. And men stand around just watching. Seriously...no one helped. They stared, that's for sure, but no man took action. Can I add this to the list of my annoyances with most of the men in this country (not all - the Lord has blessed me with the ability to meet some amazingly Godly men in the city and show me hope in all the ugly)? Them being men who are useless in every context of the word. The moment everyone was off and we were in the massive blob of people flowing up the stairs, my only concern (minus the situation at hand, obviously) was preventing myself from being touched, because at that point I was vulnerable - their was a man on every side of me. Talk about a crap situation. I just had to laugh at all of that. I didn't know how else to react. Wow.
Anyways, from there we rush out of the metro and do our best to make it to Sari Bari after being forced off the metro in a location we are absolutely unfamiliar with and having to figure out what to do next. Nevermind the fact we are white and stand out like sore thumbs, but also being in a situation like this where you don't speak the language you feel just that more helpless. Thanks to Natalie and her amazing observation skills and something of an internal compass, we made it to Sari Bari. Only 30 minutes late, too. Not that bad. But seriously. The men today...no words. Complete picture, complete picture.
I'm ready for the women to take their voice here in India. All of them.
In addition to all this, I want to tell a small story from our Mama T's visit yesterday. Mita, who is one of my favorite kids at Shishu Bahvan, is blind. Because of that (in combination with mental disabilities) she has been slow to stand, slow to walk, and speak. But yesterday as we sat down with the kids to sing the morning songs, Mita scooted herself over to Natalie and sat in her lap. After a little time, she used Natalie's arms to stand and lean against her. Then Mita started falling forward and backward. Of course, as she fell forward, Natalie would have her arms stretched out to catch her, but Mita didn't know that. Mita trusted that. She cannot see...literally, but had faith that she wouldn't fall when she was in the arms of someone she knows loves her. So many lessons to be learned from these kids. It's beautiful. Since when am I that trusting? I'm blind of the path that the Lord has laid before me, but I still tend to do what I can to mold and shape it, because I fail to have the faith his arms are there to catch me. Lessons.
Wednesday, December 7
Tuesday, December 6
Denying Myself
Since when do I do this?
Not often. I just need to admit that I need to do this a lot more often. In so many ways.
I don't need all of the ice cream chocolate sundaes that I have found myself desiring in this city. Why? Not because it's a treat and calories (that's ridiculous), but because indulgence in something steals the celebration, as my team leader spoke so perfectly to me.
The Lord wants us to enjoy things, He loves to bless us - but I abuse that.
I was sitting at McDonald's the other day eating the fourth chocolate sundae I've allowed myself to have in this city and I realized the reason it's so darn good every time I have it is not because it's all that good in itself, but it's because I haven't run it in the ground. The Theory of Diminishing Returns is the only thing that I remember from economics in my freshman year in college. I found it so interesting. My professor used beer as the example which was beyond appropriate for his college audience, but also makes the point a bit more obviously than other examples might. Basically what he got around to saying is that yes beer number 1, and number 2 may be great for the one consuming, but you get to beer number 3 and things aren't all that "original", beer number 4 and so on just keep getting less entertaining because it's always the same thing...it no longer sparks our interest, and then if you keep going you eventually get to the beer that sets you over the limit and you get sick. Let's not try this at home, folks :). So as you go on, the return on consumption drops. What does this mean for me and ice cream or whatever other treat, not necessarily food - it can be anything, that I want? It means if I always get it whenever I want, over time it provides less than I expect it to. I'm not receiving full enjoyment from any of the treats I'm consuming, because as time goes on and my consumption increases, the returns are diminishing. Each one is providing less and less. This quite nicely proves the point that things cannot satisfy - only Jesus, but that's a whole different topic in itself. (Side note to all the economic peeps reading: sorry for butchering that theory, but just as the English kids out there forgiving my mistakes - please do the same.)
God created those little joys in life to provide enjoyment and celebration, not indulgence. But so often we blur that line. We tend to over-do the things we enjoy, which only leads to less and less returns on it. Sadly, this starts a vicious cycle of trying to make up for the last short-lived enjoyment by buying/consuming yet another and then another and then another and then another. And then we are only consumers. We are not people who celebrate or receive life from something...which would produce a natural turning and praising the Father for that goodness like He desires. But instead we become people who want and get...no time to turn and praise the Father in those cases...I'm too busy trying to get my fix again.
Last year during Lent, I gave up coffee. This was the first Lent I've ever partaken in, but at that time I felt the Lord calling me to deny myself from something...and He didn't mean chores...it was something that I enjoyed. It was hard, but I did it. And now after processing all of this dealing with celebration and indulgence, I realize why that first cappuccino after Lent was pretty much the tastiest I've ever consumed. Makes sense. Wow, the Lord is pretty complex...working all that out then and me learning this lesson here. Crazy.
This place, these people (speaking of my community) has really taught me what it means to celebrate and not indulge. It's beautiful. And there is so much more enjoyment in things. That's the way Jesus intended things to be. In denying myself, life changes from being about me trying to please myself, to enjoying the sweet, sweet things that the good Lord has graced our lives with and being beyond thankful for Him providing those things. It's so stinking awesome!
The Lord does seem to always put things upside down:
The first will be last, the last will be first.
Those who are humbled will be exalted, those who exalt themselves will be humbled.
Those who give their lives will receive it, those who hold to their lives will lose it.
Now He has taught me that in denying myself I will receive a much more grand return and in seeking to always indulge I will lose so much return. Funny.
Not often. I just need to admit that I need to do this a lot more often. In so many ways.
I don't need all of the ice cream chocolate sundaes that I have found myself desiring in this city. Why? Not because it's a treat and calories (that's ridiculous), but because indulgence in something steals the celebration, as my team leader spoke so perfectly to me.
The Lord wants us to enjoy things, He loves to bless us - but I abuse that.
I was sitting at McDonald's the other day eating the fourth chocolate sundae I've allowed myself to have in this city and I realized the reason it's so darn good every time I have it is not because it's all that good in itself, but it's because I haven't run it in the ground. The Theory of Diminishing Returns is the only thing that I remember from economics in my freshman year in college. I found it so interesting. My professor used beer as the example which was beyond appropriate for his college audience, but also makes the point a bit more obviously than other examples might. Basically what he got around to saying is that yes beer number 1, and number 2 may be great for the one consuming, but you get to beer number 3 and things aren't all that "original", beer number 4 and so on just keep getting less entertaining because it's always the same thing...it no longer sparks our interest, and then if you keep going you eventually get to the beer that sets you over the limit and you get sick. Let's not try this at home, folks :). So as you go on, the return on consumption drops. What does this mean for me and ice cream or whatever other treat, not necessarily food - it can be anything, that I want? It means if I always get it whenever I want, over time it provides less than I expect it to. I'm not receiving full enjoyment from any of the treats I'm consuming, because as time goes on and my consumption increases, the returns are diminishing. Each one is providing less and less. This quite nicely proves the point that things cannot satisfy - only Jesus, but that's a whole different topic in itself. (Side note to all the economic peeps reading: sorry for butchering that theory, but just as the English kids out there forgiving my mistakes - please do the same.)
God created those little joys in life to provide enjoyment and celebration, not indulgence. But so often we blur that line. We tend to over-do the things we enjoy, which only leads to less and less returns on it. Sadly, this starts a vicious cycle of trying to make up for the last short-lived enjoyment by buying/consuming yet another and then another and then another and then another. And then we are only consumers. We are not people who celebrate or receive life from something...which would produce a natural turning and praising the Father for that goodness like He desires. But instead we become people who want and get...no time to turn and praise the Father in those cases...I'm too busy trying to get my fix again.
Last year during Lent, I gave up coffee. This was the first Lent I've ever partaken in, but at that time I felt the Lord calling me to deny myself from something...and He didn't mean chores...it was something that I enjoyed. It was hard, but I did it. And now after processing all of this dealing with celebration and indulgence, I realize why that first cappuccino after Lent was pretty much the tastiest I've ever consumed. Makes sense. Wow, the Lord is pretty complex...working all that out then and me learning this lesson here. Crazy.
This place, these people (speaking of my community) has really taught me what it means to celebrate and not indulge. It's beautiful. And there is so much more enjoyment in things. That's the way Jesus intended things to be. In denying myself, life changes from being about me trying to please myself, to enjoying the sweet, sweet things that the good Lord has graced our lives with and being beyond thankful for Him providing those things. It's so stinking awesome!
The Lord does seem to always put things upside down:
The first will be last, the last will be first.
Those who are humbled will be exalted, those who exalt themselves will be humbled.
Those who give their lives will receive it, those who hold to their lives will lose it.
Now He has taught me that in denying myself I will receive a much more grand return and in seeking to always indulge I will lose so much return. Funny.
Saturday, December 3
There is something about this place.
Yesterday was so stinking awesome.
Started off the day witnessing an incredibly insane little scene. So there was a goat. This goat was wearing a sweater. A Christmas sweater. And this little Christmas sweater wearing goat was having a snack. But he wasn't having a snack from the trash on the side of the street like every other goat that I've seen. No, he was having a snack in a meat shop. A meat shop that had two...dead...goats hanging outside. A goat meat shop. And he was being fed a snack inside, while wearing a Christmas sweater. It was just way too much. That was just not okay. At least feed the poor thing on the street...not right beside his dead friends. And how could they pretend to care about keeping him warm in this weather, when really they are going to hang him up soon. I don't get it. Haha.
That's not the best. That was just funny, so I had to say it. The greatest event of the day was the organization's Christmas party! It was so, so, so, so beautiful. Not only was the entire staff there, but also their families. The kids and the husbands of the Indian staff got to attend. It was so stinking cool. I have only been here for three months, but it felt like home...it felt like family. The Lord has truly blessed us with that during the holiday seasons that we are missing. Yes, we are away from home. Yes, we are away from family. But really we have a new home...a place and people we love and serve. And we have a family...the family of Christ shines so brightly in this circle. It's truly beautiful, and for a time I've been blessed to be a part of it. We went to this super sweet restaurant...with amazing Indian food. It was never-ending rice, luchee, dal, and and like a thousand vegetable options. Heaven. Minus that one dessert that made my numb mouth with the speck of a bite I took. The Indians all ate it in one bite. I don't understand. We started the celebration with going around and saying something we've learned/that was good about this past year. Incredible. Of course, we were the only kids to speak in English, but we understood the Bangla (which is such a blessing). It was a lovely time. After that, we were all gifted with Christmas presents. I'm the new owner of an absolutely beautiful sari. Not only was I overjoyed to have a sari to wear to the Sari Bari Christmas parties, but but but - it is a red, black, and cream swirly design, very elegant (much more than I can describe), and it has peacock feathers on it. Oh my, it's amazing. After the outing our host mom was teaching us how to put it on...yep, it's difficult. But I'm so, so, so excited for those parties. They do mark the end of our time at Sari Bari, so they can come slowly, but I'm looking forward to those beautiful days of celebration. Anyways, afterward dinner we all took advantage of our moments of being "fixed up" and took some photos. We got one of the family...and by that I mean us servant team and our host family. We are getting it printed and framed to give to them for Christmas. So excited about that. Last night the dad gave us a talk that sorta felt like he was giving us permission to leave. I don't mean that like it sounds...it was more like him saying that they understand we have a home back there and it's important for us to be there...even though daily the sadness of our absence is mentioned in some form. Of course talk of it made me bust into tears, which also lead to our host mom crying. It hurts at times. But there's so much peace in it. Peace in the fact that God is the Father of us all. He's led us hear to learn the hearts of our brothers and sisters, but to learn, grow, and change, and then carry that on to whatever he has next. As my team leader said to me the other day "this is not the end of the story." It was so good to have that spoken over me. It's true. There's peace that yes...these days are joy and that will end, but there's more to come.
It was a lovely night. All gathering. All celebrating. Things like that just fill my soul.
Today was filled with things as well...sweet words, and gestures in the moments that our confused faces give away the fact we aren't understanding their Bangla.
This morning our language teacher, who is a manager for Sari Bari, told us that every night she prays we come back to be on staff here. She said she hasn't given her heart to people that come, because it's too difficult to watch them leave. She hasn't allow herself to be too emotionally involved in the past, but she said for us, she couldn't help it. She's come to love us deeply. It's sad to go. It's terribly sad to go. But it's beautiful knowing that we're all in this family...the family of Christ, and eternity holds a beautiful future for us all...together. I cannot wait to have my hands lifted high in worship of our God beside these people. So cool.
On our walk home from the metro, we've made three different groups of friends. The first being who we call "cigarette lady", because she sells cigarettes. Today she stopped us and talked for about five minutes straight...without taking a breath. After that, I concluded she thinks we understand so much more Bangla than we do. But that's okay. Towards the end we could pick up on it. She was saying how she wants a photo with us so when we aren't here anymore she has that to look at (she's resorted to this...in the beginning she told me I couldn't leave...my family had to come here...and she couldn't come with me because she doesn't have a passport - haha). She was also incredibly concerned that we had plans to go back to America without saying bye. Apparently, she wants us to stop one day for a long time and share Bengali sweets with her. That will be fun. And right before we left, she gave us some cookies, which she would not take money for! We kept trying to give it to her and she was like, "if you do, I'm throwing it into the street." Haha. She's serious, too. She's hardcore. She sells cigarettes. From there we walk about 2 minutes and end up at the stand of our friend that we've named "cha lady". As soon as we walk up, she says "bosho!", which means "sit!" So we sit, and then she gives us something to eat...samosa or a mishti of some sort, and then usually cha. Today I tried to tell her that she cannot give us more snacks, because she has given so much, but she's Indian...that will not work. She said "No, not too much...you are my friend!" So of course we took it. She's so kind. And so cool...she has a strength about her...it's awesome. We told her we would see her later and headed home, only to pass one of our friends that lives across the street (a male, but definitely not interested in our kind, as in women - so it's safe). He stopped us to tell us that when we first arrived in the neighborhood we looked and acted like foreigners, but as we left the house yesterday evening we looked "khub shundor", or beautiful, and walked with the attitude of Indians. He said we are no longer the bideshis, we are Indians. That was cool. Like that guy...and his level of excitement.
We have met some great folks here.
Thankful for them. So thankful - for every one of them. And the blessing they are in my life.
Started off the day witnessing an incredibly insane little scene. So there was a goat. This goat was wearing a sweater. A Christmas sweater. And this little Christmas sweater wearing goat was having a snack. But he wasn't having a snack from the trash on the side of the street like every other goat that I've seen. No, he was having a snack in a meat shop. A meat shop that had two...dead...goats hanging outside. A goat meat shop. And he was being fed a snack inside, while wearing a Christmas sweater. It was just way too much. That was just not okay. At least feed the poor thing on the street...not right beside his dead friends. And how could they pretend to care about keeping him warm in this weather, when really they are going to hang him up soon. I don't get it. Haha.
That's not the best. That was just funny, so I had to say it. The greatest event of the day was the organization's Christmas party! It was so, so, so, so beautiful. Not only was the entire staff there, but also their families. The kids and the husbands of the Indian staff got to attend. It was so stinking cool. I have only been here for three months, but it felt like home...it felt like family. The Lord has truly blessed us with that during the holiday seasons that we are missing. Yes, we are away from home. Yes, we are away from family. But really we have a new home...a place and people we love and serve. And we have a family...the family of Christ shines so brightly in this circle. It's truly beautiful, and for a time I've been blessed to be a part of it. We went to this super sweet restaurant...with amazing Indian food. It was never-ending rice, luchee, dal, and and like a thousand vegetable options. Heaven. Minus that one dessert that made my numb mouth with the speck of a bite I took. The Indians all ate it in one bite. I don't understand. We started the celebration with going around and saying something we've learned/that was good about this past year. Incredible. Of course, we were the only kids to speak in English, but we understood the Bangla (which is such a blessing). It was a lovely time. After that, we were all gifted with Christmas presents. I'm the new owner of an absolutely beautiful sari. Not only was I overjoyed to have a sari to wear to the Sari Bari Christmas parties, but but but - it is a red, black, and cream swirly design, very elegant (much more than I can describe), and it has peacock feathers on it. Oh my, it's amazing. After the outing our host mom was teaching us how to put it on...yep, it's difficult. But I'm so, so, so excited for those parties. They do mark the end of our time at Sari Bari, so they can come slowly, but I'm looking forward to those beautiful days of celebration. Anyways, afterward dinner we all took advantage of our moments of being "fixed up" and took some photos. We got one of the family...and by that I mean us servant team and our host family. We are getting it printed and framed to give to them for Christmas. So excited about that. Last night the dad gave us a talk that sorta felt like he was giving us permission to leave. I don't mean that like it sounds...it was more like him saying that they understand we have a home back there and it's important for us to be there...even though daily the sadness of our absence is mentioned in some form. Of course talk of it made me bust into tears, which also lead to our host mom crying. It hurts at times. But there's so much peace in it. Peace in the fact that God is the Father of us all. He's led us hear to learn the hearts of our brothers and sisters, but to learn, grow, and change, and then carry that on to whatever he has next. As my team leader said to me the other day "this is not the end of the story." It was so good to have that spoken over me. It's true. There's peace that yes...these days are joy and that will end, but there's more to come.
It was a lovely night. All gathering. All celebrating. Things like that just fill my soul.
Today was filled with things as well...sweet words, and gestures in the moments that our confused faces give away the fact we aren't understanding their Bangla.
This morning our language teacher, who is a manager for Sari Bari, told us that every night she prays we come back to be on staff here. She said she hasn't given her heart to people that come, because it's too difficult to watch them leave. She hasn't allow herself to be too emotionally involved in the past, but she said for us, she couldn't help it. She's come to love us deeply. It's sad to go. It's terribly sad to go. But it's beautiful knowing that we're all in this family...the family of Christ, and eternity holds a beautiful future for us all...together. I cannot wait to have my hands lifted high in worship of our God beside these people. So cool.
On our walk home from the metro, we've made three different groups of friends. The first being who we call "cigarette lady", because she sells cigarettes. Today she stopped us and talked for about five minutes straight...without taking a breath. After that, I concluded she thinks we understand so much more Bangla than we do. But that's okay. Towards the end we could pick up on it. She was saying how she wants a photo with us so when we aren't here anymore she has that to look at (she's resorted to this...in the beginning she told me I couldn't leave...my family had to come here...and she couldn't come with me because she doesn't have a passport - haha). She was also incredibly concerned that we had plans to go back to America without saying bye. Apparently, she wants us to stop one day for a long time and share Bengali sweets with her. That will be fun. And right before we left, she gave us some cookies, which she would not take money for! We kept trying to give it to her and she was like, "if you do, I'm throwing it into the street." Haha. She's serious, too. She's hardcore. She sells cigarettes. From there we walk about 2 minutes and end up at the stand of our friend that we've named "cha lady". As soon as we walk up, she says "bosho!", which means "sit!" So we sit, and then she gives us something to eat...samosa or a mishti of some sort, and then usually cha. Today I tried to tell her that she cannot give us more snacks, because she has given so much, but she's Indian...that will not work. She said "No, not too much...you are my friend!" So of course we took it. She's so kind. And so cool...she has a strength about her...it's awesome. We told her we would see her later and headed home, only to pass one of our friends that lives across the street (a male, but definitely not interested in our kind, as in women - so it's safe). He stopped us to tell us that when we first arrived in the neighborhood we looked and acted like foreigners, but as we left the house yesterday evening we looked "khub shundor", or beautiful, and walked with the attitude of Indians. He said we are no longer the bideshis, we are Indians. That was cool. Like that guy...and his level of excitement.
We have met some great folks here.
Thankful for them. So thankful - for every one of them. And the blessing they are in my life.
Wednesday, November 30
Stepping out from underneath of that black cloud...
Today at our book discussion, my team leader said something that really made me think back to the beginning of my time here. It was incredibly difficult. The first month of my time here made me think the end might never come. I struggled with so many things in so many ways. Then, I completely credited every bit of the struggle to culture shock. But now, I'm not so sure. After weeks and weeks of existing in this city, seeing poverty in ways I never have before, and encountering brokenness in ways that have wounded my heart, I've had a mirror held up to my heart and my life. I can no longer claim ignorance and continue living as I always have. So, what are we...13 weeks into this journey? Yep, 13 weeks. After 13 weeks, I can very clearly see that first month not as a month of culture shock, but as a month of withdrawals. I was experiencing withdrawals from the richness in which I live in in America. I missed my cute clothes, I missed my make-up, I missed my comfortable bed, I missed my cute wall decorations, I missed my air conditioner, I missed my familiar foods, I missed clean streets, I missed the part of the world I've been grown to see as the only part of the world. I thought I needed all those things. I equated all of that with happiness. With worth. With the way life should be. In fact, before I came...I was building in my mind the cutest little apartment that would be mine when I return home and move to Dallas. Ya know, since I'll have a big girl job and be able to afford all of those grand things...why not buy it all? Now I have a million and one reasons not to. I do still miss all of those things, but they don't hold the value they once did. They're not actually important at all. It's been a really cool thing to see that once I starved myself of all of those things, I realized I don't need any of them. Once I "sacrificed" those things to come here, I realized I wasn't really sacrificing anything like I thought I was. Now that I've been shown this, now that the withdrawals are over...I've stepped out from underneath that black cloud that was shadowing the sun above. No light was coming in, because that stupid huge black cloud of misplaced priorities was hanging above me. It sorta feels like I shed the chains holding me to this world. Honestly, I have understood life as how to meet my own needs, failing to really see the needs of the people with less in this world. I had chains. I had a black cloud. And I was failing to love well.
Sider, who wrote Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, said something along the lines of even the greatest of possessions is worth far less than the least cherished life. It's so true. I don't need worldly junk...there's way too many lives that are being lost daily for the dumbest reasons. Hunger. Preventable diseases. Genocide. And the list goes on and on. Because my cloud was shadowing my view of the world, I had no light to see my brother or sister in need. Maybe they are in the next country, or perhaps across the street. Regardless they are there...ignorance cannot be my excuse.
So then we went on to talk about if failing to assist the poor was a sin. I truly believe so. If you've opened your bible as of late, I'm sure you read something that was a picture of the Lord's heart for the poor. Let's just check out 1 John 3:17: "If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?" Ouch. That's serious business. Or what about Matthew 25...31-46, but here is verse 40: "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Jesus takes it personal when we give of fail to give to the least of these. Releasing the possessions I thought were key to life, really allows me to spend my resources providing life instead of attempting to satisfy the insatiable monster of consumerism.
So then we went on to talk about if failing to assist the poor was a sin. I truly believe so. If you've opened your bible as of late, I'm sure you read something that was a picture of the Lord's heart for the poor. Let's just check out 1 John 3:17: "If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?" Ouch. That's serious business. Or what about Matthew 25...31-46, but here is verse 40: "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Jesus takes it personal when we give of fail to give to the least of these. Releasing the possessions I thought were key to life, really allows me to spend my resources providing life instead of attempting to satisfy the insatiable monster of consumerism.
I didn't know I was so attached to my "things" until the light had space to shine and that cloud moved on. Praise the Lord for that. It's such a freedom to see the worth of things I thought were necessary to life diminish to nothing. Excited to strive for a life of open hands. I'll need Jesus every day in that, but if I could get it all right on my own anyways, Jesus' life was pointless...and it totally wasn't. Freedom. Mmmm, such a sweet taste.
Here's a cool video. Takes some time, but sheds some good light:
The Story of Stuff
Here's a cool video. Takes some time, but sheds some good light:
The Story of Stuff
Tuesday, November 29
Disciplines
My new favorite food...chingri mach malai curry. Talk about bomb.
So this past weekend, we had the lovely gift of being fed and entertained by one of the Sari Bari managers. She and her husband recently had a baby, so she hasn't been at work; this was my first time to meet her. They invited us out to their home in a village outside of Kolkata, which was an absolute blessing because the villages are so peaceful. They are incredible people. I had never met either one of them, but they felt like strangers for about a whole 2 minutes, and from then on it felt like a group of friends just hanging out. They are a precious couple with an adorable baby...this family is going to do great things. Anyways, we had amazing food...her mother made chingri mach (shrimp) malai curry and it was the most delicious thing I've ever had. I got the recipe - yep, yep I did. But I always feel so loved by the families here and their hospitality. It's always a blessing. Of course, I felt like my stomach was going to explode, which isn't pleasant, but it's how they show love...so I'll take it.
I think one (yes, just one) of the things that I've learned from these people is how conditional or limited my love is. I don't really know how to explain it. I mean I don't really even understand the debt of it, but I see them love without end and it really makes me question how selfish my giving/loving is. For example, when we went to this family's house (and same case in the first family that hosted us), the family serves us at least two times over, puts us to rest (literally they give you a bed and say "rest"), and then they will eat. They assure their guests are completely finished, completely full before they ever touch the food. It's so giving. I'm gonna go ahead and say if I have guests over, I'm gonna be like "make sure you leave me some of those mashed potatoes...I worked hard on those and I dang sure want some." For real! I am amazed by how unconditional their love is...I didn't do anything to earn that family's love...I just met them. It's beautiful. I only wish love flowed from me that freely. That will be a life-long discipline for me.
And this also leads me to something I've realized during my time here. It is so hard for me to receive. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to just willing accept someone's kindness in gifts or action...I just don't. I will deny, deny, deny, and if they've pushed that far, they must actually want to give it, so I'll let them. That's the thing for me...I think I know deep down I'm poor at actually wanting to give things. It may be too costly or too much effort, therefore I assume that's the case for others and I try to let them off the hook before they have to get their hands dirty and do something nice for me. Or it could be a pride thing..."no, really...I can do this on my own". I would say either or both of these is the case for most Americans. We give out of obligation and not out of desire or we want to claim full independence, so when we reach the top all the glory is ours...or we die trying an incredibly stubborn individual and like it that way, because we can still claim independence. I'm not saying this is always the case, but let's be honest...they've both entered our hearts and minds. Either that or I just confessed to being a really mean person. But being here has taught me how to receive. I've learned how to accept blessings...great and small. Sometimes, it's difficult, because I know that these people work incredibly hard for what they gift me with, but the thing is...they want to do it. They truly want to give...and in return, they only want you to accept. It's humbling. All of it. To be blessed by someone with less "buying power" (if you will) than I, and to realize how small my own heart is.
-------
And today I realized something so simple, a foundation to faith, but in different words and spoken directly to my heart that gave me so much peace. First and foremost...emotions do not speak the truth. I don't think I've ever really come to that conclusion before...maybe in a round-about way, but still never so clearly spoken. I get caught up in the "feelings" of my relationship with Christ. I'm a feeler...hardcore, so that's not a surprise. But sadly I've let that dictate so many of my thoughts and truly control my life. So often I "feel" far from the Lord...even in times I'm not stuck in some sin or walking through a crap season in life...I just, again, "feel" stale about things. For so long, I've let that "feeling" make me think the Lord has sort of just up and left me. Maybe because I don't have things right (truth is, I never will) but that's just an emotion and it isn't speaking honestly. I may have walls up or ice around my heart that the Lord needs to tear down or melt, and I pray by His power he does so, but those "feelings" are not a reflection or where Christ stands in relation to me. It only takes me seeking His face and it will be revealed, because He is there. He hasn't abandoned me. He's right where He has always been and will always be - holding my hand. It is a discipline to choose to see God, even when whatever I'm feeling wants to convince me he is not there.
And the other day I realized that the ugly days in life...the ones I felt like God checked out on...have only affirmed His presence in my life, not his absence. His hand was and is and will always be there.
-------
My mom put it beautifully in an e-mail she sent when she said something along the lines of "our hearts hurt over the ugly things, because our hearts do not belong to us anymore...they are the heart of Christ...and he hurts over those things."
I tend to have the burden to make right every wrong, heal every wound, and love every unloved...I want to fix the never-ending list of issues this world has. I hear about hungry children, okay then let's go feed them. I hear about abused children, okay then let's go pull them away from those abusers and start a healing process. I hear about women and all the crap they take from men, and I want to find someway to change all that. I hear about all of the injustice in the world and I want to fix it all. I want to be on every team healing people in every nation, but the truth is I can't do that...I'm not God. I see all of those issues continuing to exist and feel helpless and burdened. But as I sat in church two days ago thinking about this, I felt the Lord's peace. He doesn't want me weighed down by the ugliness of the world...it's not my burden to carry. I need to shed that weight and pass it on to the Lord who has already come to provide a cure for the brokenness. So then I think about how I need to hand that to the Lord. What does that even look like? I'm not sure...I don't have that mastered (and won't), but I do know what it doesn't look like. I know it doesn't look like me failing to pray for those things. It doesn't look like me claiming to lay it at the foot of the cross and the walking on in life like I never encountered it. It doesn't look like me pretending I feel peace about it when I'm really torn up inside. I don't know know the balance. I don't know how to surrender it, but still carry the responsibility of pleading those causes to the Father. It's a battle for me. This will always be a developing discipline...surrendering the weight and the cause, but not pardoning myself to live as if it doesn't exist. But regardless of how well or poorly I do this, I hold to the fact His plan is better than mine. Know the victory is His and the darkness is overcome.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Those are words straight from the mouth of Jesus...they can be trusted.
-------
I write all these things and at the end realize I'm the creation of great God who doesn't know how to love well, lets my stupid emotions get in the way of my sight of that God, and struggle with the difference between surrendering and forgetting. It's a good thing God sent that Jesus guy down...I need both the saving and the example. Also, thank goodness I'm called to disciplines...I sure don't want to be that person in James 1:22-24 (at least not for my life)...I have been at times, but the Holy Spirit freely showers conviction and open your eyes when you pray for it. I can say that from experience. :)
-------
And I just have to end this blog with the story about the wedding that interrupted my writing of this blog. Good heavens...talk about a celebration. I heard drums for about 5 minutes and then decided to walk out to the balcony to see what was happening: a wedding, not to be confused with a parade. Drums, dancers, lights, decorated cars...you know, the whole package. That was annoying. I had to yell at the girl in the room with me for her to be able to hear me. India, you are something else.
-------
Prayer requests...
I feel kind of thin. I'm trying to wrap up my time here - but still live in every moment, prepare for my return to America - but not exist there just yet, and still love all across the board. I feel like I'm being pulled in a ton of directions right now. I don't know if my heart has that many compartments. Just be praying for all of this. I've grown so much in my faith and as a person since I've been here, but I sorta feel like a t-shirt being wrung out a hundred times over. I also know that in my attempt to prepare for things that hurt me, I tend to shut down. Please be praying against that...I don't need my heart to leave here any earlier than I do. This journey home will be just as difficult as my arrival here, so please pray for all of it. I want every second here to pass so much slower than a normal second, but it wont, so I need to hold tight to every moment and also look to the coming days out of this city - pray the Lord directs me in this. I'm with an amazing organization that pours so much back into us. We have a debriefing retreat scheduled for a few days before we leave...be praying that time is productive for all of us.
So this past weekend, we had the lovely gift of being fed and entertained by one of the Sari Bari managers. She and her husband recently had a baby, so she hasn't been at work; this was my first time to meet her. They invited us out to their home in a village outside of Kolkata, which was an absolute blessing because the villages are so peaceful. They are incredible people. I had never met either one of them, but they felt like strangers for about a whole 2 minutes, and from then on it felt like a group of friends just hanging out. They are a precious couple with an adorable baby...this family is going to do great things. Anyways, we had amazing food...her mother made chingri mach (shrimp) malai curry and it was the most delicious thing I've ever had. I got the recipe - yep, yep I did. But I always feel so loved by the families here and their hospitality. It's always a blessing. Of course, I felt like my stomach was going to explode, which isn't pleasant, but it's how they show love...so I'll take it.
I think one (yes, just one) of the things that I've learned from these people is how conditional or limited my love is. I don't really know how to explain it. I mean I don't really even understand the debt of it, but I see them love without end and it really makes me question how selfish my giving/loving is. For example, when we went to this family's house (and same case in the first family that hosted us), the family serves us at least two times over, puts us to rest (literally they give you a bed and say "rest"), and then they will eat. They assure their guests are completely finished, completely full before they ever touch the food. It's so giving. I'm gonna go ahead and say if I have guests over, I'm gonna be like "make sure you leave me some of those mashed potatoes...I worked hard on those and I dang sure want some." For real! I am amazed by how unconditional their love is...I didn't do anything to earn that family's love...I just met them. It's beautiful. I only wish love flowed from me that freely. That will be a life-long discipline for me.
And this also leads me to something I've realized during my time here. It is so hard for me to receive. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to just willing accept someone's kindness in gifts or action...I just don't. I will deny, deny, deny, and if they've pushed that far, they must actually want to give it, so I'll let them. That's the thing for me...I think I know deep down I'm poor at actually wanting to give things. It may be too costly or too much effort, therefore I assume that's the case for others and I try to let them off the hook before they have to get their hands dirty and do something nice for me. Or it could be a pride thing..."no, really...I can do this on my own". I would say either or both of these is the case for most Americans. We give out of obligation and not out of desire or we want to claim full independence, so when we reach the top all the glory is ours...or we die trying an incredibly stubborn individual and like it that way, because we can still claim independence. I'm not saying this is always the case, but let's be honest...they've both entered our hearts and minds. Either that or I just confessed to being a really mean person. But being here has taught me how to receive. I've learned how to accept blessings...great and small. Sometimes, it's difficult, because I know that these people work incredibly hard for what they gift me with, but the thing is...they want to do it. They truly want to give...and in return, they only want you to accept. It's humbling. All of it. To be blessed by someone with less "buying power" (if you will) than I, and to realize how small my own heart is.
-------
And today I realized something so simple, a foundation to faith, but in different words and spoken directly to my heart that gave me so much peace. First and foremost...emotions do not speak the truth. I don't think I've ever really come to that conclusion before...maybe in a round-about way, but still never so clearly spoken. I get caught up in the "feelings" of my relationship with Christ. I'm a feeler...hardcore, so that's not a surprise. But sadly I've let that dictate so many of my thoughts and truly control my life. So often I "feel" far from the Lord...even in times I'm not stuck in some sin or walking through a crap season in life...I just, again, "feel" stale about things. For so long, I've let that "feeling" make me think the Lord has sort of just up and left me. Maybe because I don't have things right (truth is, I never will) but that's just an emotion and it isn't speaking honestly. I may have walls up or ice around my heart that the Lord needs to tear down or melt, and I pray by His power he does so, but those "feelings" are not a reflection or where Christ stands in relation to me. It only takes me seeking His face and it will be revealed, because He is there. He hasn't abandoned me. He's right where He has always been and will always be - holding my hand. It is a discipline to choose to see God, even when whatever I'm feeling wants to convince me he is not there.
And the other day I realized that the ugly days in life...the ones I felt like God checked out on...have only affirmed His presence in my life, not his absence. His hand was and is and will always be there.
-------
My mom put it beautifully in an e-mail she sent when she said something along the lines of "our hearts hurt over the ugly things, because our hearts do not belong to us anymore...they are the heart of Christ...and he hurts over those things."
I tend to have the burden to make right every wrong, heal every wound, and love every unloved...I want to fix the never-ending list of issues this world has. I hear about hungry children, okay then let's go feed them. I hear about abused children, okay then let's go pull them away from those abusers and start a healing process. I hear about women and all the crap they take from men, and I want to find someway to change all that. I hear about all of the injustice in the world and I want to fix it all. I want to be on every team healing people in every nation, but the truth is I can't do that...I'm not God. I see all of those issues continuing to exist and feel helpless and burdened. But as I sat in church two days ago thinking about this, I felt the Lord's peace. He doesn't want me weighed down by the ugliness of the world...it's not my burden to carry. I need to shed that weight and pass it on to the Lord who has already come to provide a cure for the brokenness. So then I think about how I need to hand that to the Lord. What does that even look like? I'm not sure...I don't have that mastered (and won't), but I do know what it doesn't look like. I know it doesn't look like me failing to pray for those things. It doesn't look like me claiming to lay it at the foot of the cross and the walking on in life like I never encountered it. It doesn't look like me pretending I feel peace about it when I'm really torn up inside. I don't know know the balance. I don't know how to surrender it, but still carry the responsibility of pleading those causes to the Father. It's a battle for me. This will always be a developing discipline...surrendering the weight and the cause, but not pardoning myself to live as if it doesn't exist. But regardless of how well or poorly I do this, I hold to the fact His plan is better than mine. Know the victory is His and the darkness is overcome.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Those are words straight from the mouth of Jesus...they can be trusted.
-------
I write all these things and at the end realize I'm the creation of great God who doesn't know how to love well, lets my stupid emotions get in the way of my sight of that God, and struggle with the difference between surrendering and forgetting. It's a good thing God sent that Jesus guy down...I need both the saving and the example. Also, thank goodness I'm called to disciplines...I sure don't want to be that person in James 1:22-24 (at least not for my life)...I have been at times, but the Holy Spirit freely showers conviction and open your eyes when you pray for it. I can say that from experience. :)
-------
And I just have to end this blog with the story about the wedding that interrupted my writing of this blog. Good heavens...talk about a celebration. I heard drums for about 5 minutes and then decided to walk out to the balcony to see what was happening: a wedding, not to be confused with a parade. Drums, dancers, lights, decorated cars...you know, the whole package. That was annoying. I had to yell at the girl in the room with me for her to be able to hear me. India, you are something else.
-------
Prayer requests...
I feel kind of thin. I'm trying to wrap up my time here - but still live in every moment, prepare for my return to America - but not exist there just yet, and still love all across the board. I feel like I'm being pulled in a ton of directions right now. I don't know if my heart has that many compartments. Just be praying for all of this. I've grown so much in my faith and as a person since I've been here, but I sorta feel like a t-shirt being wrung out a hundred times over. I also know that in my attempt to prepare for things that hurt me, I tend to shut down. Please be praying against that...I don't need my heart to leave here any earlier than I do. This journey home will be just as difficult as my arrival here, so please pray for all of it. I want every second here to pass so much slower than a normal second, but it wont, so I need to hold tight to every moment and also look to the coming days out of this city - pray the Lord directs me in this. I'm with an amazing organization that pours so much back into us. We have a debriefing retreat scheduled for a few days before we leave...be praying that time is productive for all of us.
Saturday, November 26
Love journeys.
As I approach the final month of my time here, I'm already beginning to mourn the absence of these people in my life. It's something I don't really care to think about, but I'm down to 30-something days...time is passing quickly. A few days ago I started stressing. I felt like I would be leaving so much of myself here. Even though I haven't packed my bags to head home, I know that time is coming and it already feels like my heart is falling out of my chest. Yes, I'm a dramatic person, but this is for real. I feel a hollow spot in my chest when I think about leaving. It hurts. I have to hold on to the fact that Jesus gives us seasons. So yes, I will leave so much of my love here, but the truth is so much more love is going home with me. Just as the women of Sari Bari sew blankets, they have sewn love into my heart, the kids at Shishu Bahvan overwhelm my heart with so much joy at the sight of their smiling faces, and the family has provided more than just a roof and and food...they have been an anchor in this city and a picture of faith that I thought only truly existed in the Bible. So yes, I will feel as though my heart is staying here, but really it's going back filled to the brim. The sweet memories of this place and these people won't stay in India...that will forever be etched into my story. I will hold to that. This has been a season, but one of the most beautiful ones I've lived through. It's hurt in ways I can't explain, but it's blessed me in more ways that I could ever speak of. So as I prepare to leave during this last month, I will relish in the sweetness of each moment and hold to the fact that love will journey with me. There's no losing it.
Here's a short, short reflection on my time here and just my life in general that I journaled the other night...
"I realized tonight what great things, sorrows and blessings, the Lord has allowed me to see and experience. I've seen wounds created and healing grow up...in my own life, heart, and soul. I praise Him for that goodness. Now He has led me to India. I've learned an innumerable amount of lessons here, but primarily that of his never-ending grace and love. I've been blessed to see him redeem and create newness in the lives of the Sari Bari women...despite what ugly mess they have been dealt with in life. He does great things for all of His creation, collectively and individually. He provides healing...in America and India...for all those who pursue Him. I don't really have words to describe the magnitude in which He has changed me and my heart. But I speak truth when I say that He is the potter and I am the clay. Even when I'm not the best consistency to work with, He doesn't give up. He acts righteously at all times...and always with a purpose. It's beautiful. He's fashioning me to be a servant. He is continually opening my eyes to the world and it's brokenness, but showing me the good He does in the midst of that. He is giving me a desire to do His works, and providing a wholeness in my heart in that service. May I be ever-changing...to His likeness more and more. Steal all standstill, Lord."
Ephesians 2:22
And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
He does this. By grace, I've been deemed worthy to be a dwelling of the Holy Spirit...a servant. He's done this work in Kolkata through the people I've grown to love and be loved by...they've built me up in ways I can't explain. And I've also seen him do it through mending the gaping wounds this world has left me with. He is a faithful Creator.
Here's a short, short reflection on my time here and just my life in general that I journaled the other night...
"I realized tonight what great things, sorrows and blessings, the Lord has allowed me to see and experience. I've seen wounds created and healing grow up...in my own life, heart, and soul. I praise Him for that goodness. Now He has led me to India. I've learned an innumerable amount of lessons here, but primarily that of his never-ending grace and love. I've been blessed to see him redeem and create newness in the lives of the Sari Bari women...despite what ugly mess they have been dealt with in life. He does great things for all of His creation, collectively and individually. He provides healing...in America and India...for all those who pursue Him. I don't really have words to describe the magnitude in which He has changed me and my heart. But I speak truth when I say that He is the potter and I am the clay. Even when I'm not the best consistency to work with, He doesn't give up. He acts righteously at all times...and always with a purpose. It's beautiful. He's fashioning me to be a servant. He is continually opening my eyes to the world and it's brokenness, but showing me the good He does in the midst of that. He is giving me a desire to do His works, and providing a wholeness in my heart in that service. May I be ever-changing...to His likeness more and more. Steal all standstill, Lord."
Ephesians 2:22
And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
He does this. By grace, I've been deemed worthy to be a dwelling of the Holy Spirit...a servant. He's done this work in Kolkata through the people I've grown to love and be loved by...they've built me up in ways I can't explain. And I've also seen him do it through mending the gaping wounds this world has left me with. He is a faithful Creator.
Monday, November 21
Have an extra $25? Yes, I know you do. And I have a suggestion of where you should spend it...
Give the gift of freedom this year...
I have had the absolutely amazing opportunity of being a part of this Kolkata Servant Team, but as Erin said earlier today, "I've yet to serve, I've only been served." That's pure truth to be spoken of the Sari Bari ladies. They give and give and give. Whether it's half of their lunch, hand cream for my dry hands, a Bangla lesson, or just a sweet, sweet smile...they haven't stopped giving to us.
It's time for them to receive.
As you start preparing for this Christmas season, Sari Bari would like to encourage you to add one more thing to that shopping list of yours. We would love for you to join in and be a part of the Sari Bari Christmas Celebration! India is a land with seemingly endless religious festivals, and Christmas is an opportunity for us to clearly communicate the amazing truth that God became flesh and made his dwelling among us. At Sari Bari, there is a beautiful culture of celebration...and this time of year holds so much excitement for the family of Christ. Each woman will receive a new Sari and in addition to that, we will share a celebration meal, a sweet dance party, tons of laughter, and the truth of God with us. A gift of $25 will sponsor the Christmas Celebration for one member of the Sari Bari family. You can give so much to these ladies with $25, but the sweetest thing you give by participating in this is the message they are dearly loved. Something that you can never communicate too often to a group of ladies that pour out so much love themselves.
If you would like to celebrate with these ladies, you can make a donation by check to WMF, P.O. Box 70, Omaha, NE 68101. If you do so using this method, please include a separate piece of paper indicating the gift is for Sari Bari Christmas. Or you can visit WMF - Donate and give using any credit card. Again, please indicate the gift is for Sari Bari Christmas on-line.
I assume that if you are reading this, you've been following my journey here in Kolkata. You've read words that have been a weak representation of how lovely they really are, but nonetheless an attempt. You've read words about how they have cared for me time and time again, and how I've grown to love these women greatly. You've read about my time with them, and my involvement in their lives. Now it's time for you to be a part of their lives. This is your invitation. Take it. You will never see the blessing these ladies will experience because of your $25, but I can promise you, no one deserves it more.
Just in case you aren't familiar with Sari Bari, you can read about the purpose here: About Sari Bari.
70 women. Bless at least one this Christmas.
I have had the absolutely amazing opportunity of being a part of this Kolkata Servant Team, but as Erin said earlier today, "I've yet to serve, I've only been served." That's pure truth to be spoken of the Sari Bari ladies. They give and give and give. Whether it's half of their lunch, hand cream for my dry hands, a Bangla lesson, or just a sweet, sweet smile...they haven't stopped giving to us.
It's time for them to receive.
As you start preparing for this Christmas season, Sari Bari would like to encourage you to add one more thing to that shopping list of yours. We would love for you to join in and be a part of the Sari Bari Christmas Celebration! India is a land with seemingly endless religious festivals, and Christmas is an opportunity for us to clearly communicate the amazing truth that God became flesh and made his dwelling among us. At Sari Bari, there is a beautiful culture of celebration...and this time of year holds so much excitement for the family of Christ. Each woman will receive a new Sari and in addition to that, we will share a celebration meal, a sweet dance party, tons of laughter, and the truth of God with us. A gift of $25 will sponsor the Christmas Celebration for one member of the Sari Bari family. You can give so much to these ladies with $25, but the sweetest thing you give by participating in this is the message they are dearly loved. Something that you can never communicate too often to a group of ladies that pour out so much love themselves.
If you would like to celebrate with these ladies, you can make a donation by check to WMF, P.O. Box 70, Omaha, NE 68101. If you do so using this method, please include a separate piece of paper indicating the gift is for Sari Bari Christmas. Or you can visit WMF - Donate and give using any credit card. Again, please indicate the gift is for Sari Bari Christmas on-line.
I assume that if you are reading this, you've been following my journey here in Kolkata. You've read words that have been a weak representation of how lovely they really are, but nonetheless an attempt. You've read words about how they have cared for me time and time again, and how I've grown to love these women greatly. You've read about my time with them, and my involvement in their lives. Now it's time for you to be a part of their lives. This is your invitation. Take it. You will never see the blessing these ladies will experience because of your $25, but I can promise you, no one deserves it more.
Just in case you aren't familiar with Sari Bari, you can read about the purpose here: About Sari Bari.
70 women. Bless at least one this Christmas.
Friday, November 18
Hands and feet...working together as one body.
I got a couple e-mails in response to that last blog and just life in this city that have done my heart some good. Just wanted to share a little from one of them...
"Remember that our God has already won. He has defeated sin and death. He is victorious, even when our limited vision cannot begin to fathom that. The grave is empty, Taylor. Hold onto that because that is the only hope we have."
Thanks for the words, people. Good for my heart. We are called the body of Christ, as believers, because we each have individual places to serve and act, but also because we build one another up to form wholeness. I needed those words. Needed them to remember to keep heart and to continue with love.
Also, just happened to hear this in a random podcast I listened to. Austin Stone. Always good...
"The past. What God has done in the past should inform our present and future. There stands a faithful and loving God."
I forget too easily.
"Remember that our God has already won. He has defeated sin and death. He is victorious, even when our limited vision cannot begin to fathom that. The grave is empty, Taylor. Hold onto that because that is the only hope we have."
Thanks for the words, people. Good for my heart. We are called the body of Christ, as believers, because we each have individual places to serve and act, but also because we build one another up to form wholeness. I needed those words. Needed them to remember to keep heart and to continue with love.
Also, just happened to hear this in a random podcast I listened to. Austin Stone. Always good...
"The past. What God has done in the past should inform our present and future. There stands a faithful and loving God."
I forget too easily.
Weak.
Preface: I have limited sight, therefore I have limited faith. These words are proof of that.
There is pain in this world, so I'm consumed with nothing but the question of "why is this allowed?" and bitterness.
There is joy in this world, but I consumed with anything but the question of "why is this allowed?" and thanksgiving.
Where does that leave me?
A bitter, ungrateful creation. One that never fails to forget the joy, but refuses to release the pain.
Still, I will stand and say...
I'm ready for a victory.
I'm ready to see God win.
I'm ready for hopes to become a reality.
I'm ready for justice to be exercised, not just yearned for.
I'm ready for peace to be known by our hearts and our eyes...not just a prayer.
I'm ready for these ladies that I've grown to love to taste something besides the incessant bitter flavors of life.
I need not forget I only know to expect these, because I've been told they are approaching. I've been promised they are to be.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12
If this is what the Lord wants of me, I'm going to be honest...He needs to create it in me.
In this moment...
Hope feels too distant...so how can joy even be present?
Afflictions are plentiful...patience seems to only lead to an accumulation of more.
Prayer...I don't have words, so how can I be faithful in pouring out my requests in prayer to the Lord?
Sometimes, my faith just isn't capable of holding on to hope in the midst of afflictions. But that doesn't take away the fact He is worthy of my faith and capable of providing joy when afflictions come my way...or into the way of those I love dearly. He's proven it to me time and time again, but as humans we are forgetful creatures.
I am weak. My faith is weak.
He is strong, and His promises ring loud. I'm told to wait upon the Lord, but sometimes I wonder how much longer we need to wait. Regardless, I continue to wait. I continue to wait. I continue to wait. I know His words are true and His love is great. He does hurt more than I do over the sickness of this world. His heart does break more than mine over the ugly that sin produces. So I pray for forgiveness of my urgency to see His words turn to reality and for my moments of unbelief. And turn to thank Him for seeing fit to purchase this traitor's heart with Christ's innocent blood.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from you flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26
Thanks, God. I need that. I can't do it myself. And this heart of stone is heavy on my soul.
-----
Also, please give this beauty a listen. Twist on an old hymn. Pure delight. May these words be life.
There is pain in this world, so I'm consumed with nothing but the question of "why is this allowed?" and bitterness.
There is joy in this world, but I consumed with anything but the question of "why is this allowed?" and thanksgiving.
Where does that leave me?
A bitter, ungrateful creation. One that never fails to forget the joy, but refuses to release the pain.
Still, I will stand and say...
I'm ready for a victory.
I'm ready to see God win.
I'm ready for hopes to become a reality.
I'm ready for justice to be exercised, not just yearned for.
I'm ready for peace to be known by our hearts and our eyes...not just a prayer.
I'm ready for these ladies that I've grown to love to taste something besides the incessant bitter flavors of life.
I need not forget I only know to expect these, because I've been told they are approaching. I've been promised they are to be.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12
If this is what the Lord wants of me, I'm going to be honest...He needs to create it in me.
In this moment...
Hope feels too distant...so how can joy even be present?
Afflictions are plentiful...patience seems to only lead to an accumulation of more.
Prayer...I don't have words, so how can I be faithful in pouring out my requests in prayer to the Lord?
Sometimes, my faith just isn't capable of holding on to hope in the midst of afflictions. But that doesn't take away the fact He is worthy of my faith and capable of providing joy when afflictions come my way...or into the way of those I love dearly. He's proven it to me time and time again, but as humans we are forgetful creatures.
I am weak. My faith is weak.
He is strong, and His promises ring loud. I'm told to wait upon the Lord, but sometimes I wonder how much longer we need to wait. Regardless, I continue to wait. I continue to wait. I continue to wait. I know His words are true and His love is great. He does hurt more than I do over the sickness of this world. His heart does break more than mine over the ugly that sin produces. So I pray for forgiveness of my urgency to see His words turn to reality and for my moments of unbelief. And turn to thank Him for seeing fit to purchase this traitor's heart with Christ's innocent blood.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from you flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26
Thanks, God. I need that. I can't do it myself. And this heart of stone is heavy on my soul.
-----
Also, please give this beauty a listen. Twist on an old hymn. Pure delight. May these words be life.
Wednesday, November 16
This is what it's all about.
For every minute I spend cursing this city because of the ridiculous things that go on, I spend a hundred more being lavished in the love these people have to offer.
I'm really a part of this city. Not just a visitor.
I've sewn next to the ladies long enough that I'm no longer just someone there to offer a little help, but someone who wants to know them and know their work. I've cared for the kids at Shishu Bhavan long enough to know their precious hearts, not just know their disorders. I speak enough Bangla to communicate with friends and strangers. I've walked the same roads long enough for people to realize I'm not some tourist passing by. I've ridden the Monday 8:19 train enough Mondays to have made friends with a lady that either holds my bag or pushes people down to make room for me to sit.
This has been beautiful to realize.
It's all about the relationships. That is what grounds me to this place. I don't like this city. I would never desire to live here. But I love these people. And I would never desire to leave them. Sadly, that chapter will come. I know I've spoken this a million times before, but lately I've been worried about how I will mourn leaving these people. How I will heal the wounds that are left when they are missing from my life? I'm nervous for this. But I know the Lord has plans. He wouldn't be stirring so much in my heart if he didn't. Remind me of this if I forget when I'm home and crying to any of you reading this now.
Today, as me and Erin walked home from the metro, we stopped at a little simosa and cha stand and Erin introduced me to the ladies there. Then a stranger, I repeat a complete stranger (a lady of course), bought us both two simosas and a cup of lal cha. Who would ever do that in the states? I can't even properly communicate with these people. I can't really ask them about their day and understand much of what they say. I can't connect with them using words, but you better believe they are going to love me well. Force-feeding is the love language here. And today, right after lunch I got enough food to fill me up again. I didn't really want that food...but you receive in this culture...you do not object to receiving gifts. It's lovely. I've learned here that I'm so bad at being the receiver. I'm not a big gift person...some people are and that's great, but I'm not. But here I've learned to be. Here you receive so that really you give back...in thankfulness. Blogged about that earlier, and the Lord continues to show me that. It's so interesting. It's like in America we don't receive because that somehow communicates that we need...that we are needy people...and that requires us to be humble about it. Humility is something that we could all use a little bit more of. Today I was the receiver of love...and yes, I needed it. I needed it to remind me that I'm wrong when thinking all of this place is bad...or all of this place needs my help. Because really, I'm the one that often needs the help...the love. It's beautiful to learn I'm so wrong in my assumptions about this city as a whole. Yes, there are very ugly things about this city, but tell me a city that doesn't have ugly things. You can't. So, instead I'll seek the beauty. I'll seek the love. And I've found it in the relationships.
People make this place real for me. People make this city more than the deteriorating stone walls I see everywhere, the same walls that are a perfect visual for the sadness in this city...rigid and crumbling. There is also life here. Just like the lovely vines that grow up those stone walls. Both the vines and people add beauty to something so broken.
Also, something beyond sweet that the Lord has shown me: love is a fuel. I know this sounds cheesy, but for me it's real. It has application. See, when I posted that blog a little time ago about being exhausted...not feeling as though I have capacity for anything, I was reminded that something much greater than my strength is what operates in my life. When I love others, I'm filled. My exhaustion exists, but love fans the fire that keeps me giving, keeps me serving. It's nothing I do. It's his overflow...and I get the blessings.
Prayer requests...
I'm really a part of this city. Not just a visitor.
I've sewn next to the ladies long enough that I'm no longer just someone there to offer a little help, but someone who wants to know them and know their work. I've cared for the kids at Shishu Bhavan long enough to know their precious hearts, not just know their disorders. I speak enough Bangla to communicate with friends and strangers. I've walked the same roads long enough for people to realize I'm not some tourist passing by. I've ridden the Monday 8:19 train enough Mondays to have made friends with a lady that either holds my bag or pushes people down to make room for me to sit.
This has been beautiful to realize.
It's all about the relationships. That is what grounds me to this place. I don't like this city. I would never desire to live here. But I love these people. And I would never desire to leave them. Sadly, that chapter will come. I know I've spoken this a million times before, but lately I've been worried about how I will mourn leaving these people. How I will heal the wounds that are left when they are missing from my life? I'm nervous for this. But I know the Lord has plans. He wouldn't be stirring so much in my heart if he didn't. Remind me of this if I forget when I'm home and crying to any of you reading this now.
Today, as me and Erin walked home from the metro, we stopped at a little simosa and cha stand and Erin introduced me to the ladies there. Then a stranger, I repeat a complete stranger (a lady of course), bought us both two simosas and a cup of lal cha. Who would ever do that in the states? I can't even properly communicate with these people. I can't really ask them about their day and understand much of what they say. I can't connect with them using words, but you better believe they are going to love me well. Force-feeding is the love language here. And today, right after lunch I got enough food to fill me up again. I didn't really want that food...but you receive in this culture...you do not object to receiving gifts. It's lovely. I've learned here that I'm so bad at being the receiver. I'm not a big gift person...some people are and that's great, but I'm not. But here I've learned to be. Here you receive so that really you give back...in thankfulness. Blogged about that earlier, and the Lord continues to show me that. It's so interesting. It's like in America we don't receive because that somehow communicates that we need...that we are needy people...and that requires us to be humble about it. Humility is something that we could all use a little bit more of. Today I was the receiver of love...and yes, I needed it. I needed it to remind me that I'm wrong when thinking all of this place is bad...or all of this place needs my help. Because really, I'm the one that often needs the help...the love. It's beautiful to learn I'm so wrong in my assumptions about this city as a whole. Yes, there are very ugly things about this city, but tell me a city that doesn't have ugly things. You can't. So, instead I'll seek the beauty. I'll seek the love. And I've found it in the relationships.
People make this place real for me. People make this city more than the deteriorating stone walls I see everywhere, the same walls that are a perfect visual for the sadness in this city...rigid and crumbling. There is also life here. Just like the lovely vines that grow up those stone walls. Both the vines and people add beauty to something so broken.
Also, something beyond sweet that the Lord has shown me: love is a fuel. I know this sounds cheesy, but for me it's real. It has application. See, when I posted that blog a little time ago about being exhausted...not feeling as though I have capacity for anything, I was reminded that something much greater than my strength is what operates in my life. When I love others, I'm filled. My exhaustion exists, but love fans the fire that keeps me giving, keeps me serving. It's nothing I do. It's his overflow...and I get the blessings.
Prayer requests...
- The ladies. There seems to be never ending chaos in their lives.
- My host family. Always something...always.
- The pastor's wife at our church. She has been in the hospital for quite some time. He always requests prayer for her...and he speaks with such hope about when she is out, but she is very sick.
- The kids at Shishu Bhavan. My little Roshan. They all need so much more than the sisters and mashis can provide. Love is good, but these are children with disorders. Disorders that no one there really understands, therefore they don't understand how to properly handle or treat the children. So difficult seeing this need, but being helpless myself. Also, there is a new baby boy there - his name is Omal and he is five months old. He has what is widely known as "water on the brain". I don't know how much longer this baby will live. Not sure if surgery is even an option for him, it is so incredibly severe. This isn't the best place for him to be, but it's about the only place. Pray for him...and whatever blessings the Lord sees best to pour over his young life.
- Lastly, pray for me and the team. We are at the six weeks remaining mark, and that will fly by. Especially with all the things going on...holidays, parties, activities, major events, etc. It will be gone quickly. I can't imagine a life different than this one after so long and I'm so nervous about coming home. I also just got an e-mail from the company I'm working for and my start date, which I was told would be beginning of February, is actually going to be January 16th. I'll have 18 days until I start work. Only 18 days to get back into the jive of America, only 18 days to rest, only 18 days to visit family and friends, and less than 18 days to move to Dallas. This will be draining. And even though I don't want my time here to disappear as I figure out what the next chapter in my life will look like, I need major prays as to how all of that will play out. I expected much more time. But just gonna go with the flow. It will work out according to planned.
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