There are greater joys to be had.

Can I just say, that I'm just feeling so full in this moment. No, I don't mean as in food, actually I'm pretty hungry. Darn 9:00 PM dinners. I just have this overwhelming sense of completeness. Strange. I can't really name many times in my life where I could say this, but oddly enough a day in Kolkata has provided that. I just need to get this out there...I'm a stingy person. When I have a snack or treat or something of the sort, I want it for myself. Or at least the ones that I cannot get more of (right now), or just bought to try for the first time (that I know I will love). I do have a story dealing with both of those. I've realized in the past few days that one of my most favorite things that I am called to do, is giving up that which I want to hold on to so tightly. Right now, I mean in the small sense...snacks, treats, etc. Maybe the Lord is tilling ground for later seeds/growth. Uh-oh. But anyways...here's the stories...

I arrived in this city with a half a pack of my favorite Trolli gummy worms remaining and soon realized I needed these things...for survival I first thought. Living in a city with zero familiars leaves you feeling so vulnerable and sad (culture shock...ha). So as soon as I could e-mail, I had my parents mail a couple packages my way. I've been waiting weeks and these gummy worms JUST arrived. I have cherished them. I didn't even want to open them because I want them to last. But that's not enjoying them, so it doesn't make any sense. I opened bag one and was set on enjoying every last one of them. Well, our host family came home from their vaca and opened up one of the two bags of their favorite treat (something they can only get in Kerala) to share with us. Right then I realized that me hiding my bag of gummy worms as soon as the kids walked in the room was so not ok. Haha. Guilty. So, even though I was going to find great, great joy in consuming both bags of the gummy worms on my own, I opened them up to share with the family. Opened them to share an "american" treat with the family...share with them something that brings me joy...and something I knew would bring them joy. I felt terrible for ever trying to hide my gummy worms from the kids.  When I go back I can get a pack a day if I want...they are going to be available...I will not live without Trolli gummy worms for the rest of my life; and they shared one of the two bags of the treat they can only get in a city of India that is very far from where they live. Lesson learned.

Also, my guilty pleasure is chocolate and caramel. I'll buy a bag of the Dove chocolate and caramel pieces at least once a month. Carry a couple with me every day and just enjoy them at random times. Well, here I've been without my Dove chocolate and caramel...I've survived, no worries, but I've missed them. The other day I finally discovered a candy bar that is chocolate and caramel. I bought one of those things so fast and was planning as I left the store when I would get to enjoy it. As we are sitting in the auto to drive away, a small girl comes up and is begging. For food, for money, for anything. At that moment I reach to pull out one of the chocolate bars I bought to give to kids, and realized that the day before I had given them all away and forgot to restock my bag. I was so annoyed with myself. I couldn't believe I bought them to give to kids and didn't have one when I needed it...all because I'm incredibly forgetful person. And then it hits me. I have this beautiful chocolate and caramel candy bar sitting in my bag waiting to be enjoyed. By me. I did not want to give this (in that moment). I wanted to try this new treat so bad. I wanted a taste of familiar...of my favorite kind of familiar. And all in about half a second I realized that there is no stinking way I will enjoy this candy bar at home if I'm thinking of the little girl I refused to bless with it. I pulled that thing out of my bag so fast and opened it up to pass to this sweet little girl. She was so shy to take it, but of course she wanted it. I wasn't sad to see my new found candy bar go before I ever even got a taste...I was so joyful.

Here's what happened. In both cases, I was set on enjoying something that I love. Something that reminds me of home. Something that tastes really good. Both things that I can buy again at almost any point in time. I was so determined to milk the joy from consuming those things, I almost missed out on the great joy to be had in giving. Yeah, it was hard to watch my precious gummy worms and candy bar go, but once I got over myself and saw the sweetness in the moments, I had found a greater joy.

It's funny the lessons I'm learning here. And learning about myself. It's wonderful, though. Note to self...and to you all:  there are greater joys to be had. Holding on to the one in your hand may mean your missing out on a much sweeter moment. It pleases me greatly when the Father calls me to relinquish something I put too much value on...really puts a check on my heart. He is working indeed, that is not something I can say is the work of my own hands. I cannot take any credit.