Last night I had another dream, or really nightmare, about leaving this place. Kolkata has captured my heart in a way that I never expected to happen. And because of that, when I leave, I fear my heart will be staying here in India and just my body will returning to the States. At least that's the way it feels in my nightmares. I've had so many of them...and it's kind of disturbing. I'm sure it's just my fears of leaving this place manifesting themselves into dreams, but it's beginning to make me question why I am even leaving. It's making me question why I signed a contract to start a job in January, which obligates me to return home. Maybe because that's the Lord's plan...in which case He knew well to have me sign prior to coming to Kolkata. Regardless, I fight each day to continue soaking up every moment here instead of spending that time fearing my return to the States. It's hard to have my heart in so many places at once...I've never dealt with it to this extreme and I don't know what to do. I go in and out of numbness...in that I mean, sometimes it's so overwhelming, my heart doesn't really know how to address the situation so it doesn't, and others I feel the hurt of leaving and my emotions consume me. I don't know which is better. But I do know that everything in me wants to stay. Really.
This place is better. Only because somehow without a fog (composed of something I cannot name) that is present in my life in the states, I see God so much clearly. I mean, He is closest to the broken. I'm in His presence here, because I'm in the presence of the broken everyday. Broken to an extreme that they can't pretend all is well, like so many people (including me) do in the U.S. There's something about admitting you are broken, being humbled to the point of asking for help, and seeking the hands of Christ to heal the wounds of our soul. And I don't want to leave it.
I may or may not need to discern if the current path I see as being laid before me is the one I'm actually suppose to walk. My prayer: Lord, show me.
Today was the start of the goodbyes. I don't like them. I can't really grasp them, actually. I've learned enough about myself in the past few years to realize I put up a little wall around my heart when it comes to these things - the things that hurt. Leaving hurts, so I feel the bricks being piled up around my heart and I'm praying the Lord strips them all away. I will feel the finality of my absence from this place once I return home, and then will only be wishing to return and truly soak up the final moments my heart couldn't stand to take the first time around. So, Lord let's do this.
I walked out of the Tollygunge metro overjoyed to see my sweet little Minu sitting there. There have been weeks that her and her mom were missing, but this being the last time I would pass by, I took special treats. This little girl. I adore her. I've never seen such a joy in a child's face...at least not in the face of a child I assume to have lived a life like hers. The Lord has preserved her joy, probably because she's shares it so beautifully. After the first couple times when I stopped, she knew who I was and expected me. So any Saturday she saw me approaching she would run towards me with the biggest smile on her face...just waiting for that chocolate. Oh my goodness. Beautiful. She never takes one bite...the whole chocolate bar would go into her mouth. Haha. And as she ate it, she would dance around so joyfully. She is something special. Her smile is radiant and her laughter (which most of the time was at the expense of my Bangla mistakes) is a sound that never ceases to bring a smile to my face. Today, I wanted to let her know I wouldn't be coming again. I didn't want her to expect me, and I wanted to have the opportunity to tell her goodbye and let her know how special she is to me. I said "abar ashbo na" (which seems to be the words that shatter my guard - tears flood at the sound of these words - crazy what weight they hold), which means I will not come again. I told her that soon I will be going home to my country, but she will always be in my heart. It was so, so, so difficult to walk away from her today. I just cupped her little face, held it up and told her "I will miss you so much"...in English, because I don't have the Bangla skills to communicate that. And I just stared into that precious smile of hers...trying to soak up every bit of it's goodness, so that I won't forget what brilliant light is still shining in her heart that has yet to be broken by this ugly world. She's given me a hope. It's hard to see so much ugly all around this place, but finding that smile in a billion frowns has restored something in my soul. She's a beauty, and I pray the Lord preserves that light in her.
Also, today was our final Bangla lesson with the Sari Bari manager that lives out in a village. That was something else. It was a beautiful, beautiful goodbye to her home and her family, but nonetheless it was heart-wrenching. As the amazing Indian woman she is, she fed us a delicious breakfast and even taught us how to cook luchi (whoa). We shared a few words in Bangla, but then she took us down the road to her mother's house. Such a pleasant visit...so much green! We don't see many trees/leaves/grass in the city, so just being in the presence of that was beyond peaceful. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Again, the words "abar ashbe na" were spoken over and over and over again and every time there was a flood of tears streaming down my face. Those words just seem so final..."they will not come again"...it makes my heart hurt. Reminds me that time does continue to pass...even though I feel like it should be and stay December 1st, it doesn't - and the 10th is already here and almost over. But holding to the fact we will see her again kept my head above the sea of tears I seemed to let pour from my eyes...Sari Bari Christmas party - joy. Regardless, during this time I'm being taught to see beauty in so much and realizing every moment is a blessing.
Every time we leave the house, our host mom says "go nicely." I just love that. I'm beginning my journey of going...and praying for it to be done nicely. The Lord will be faithful to pull down guards and build them up in places the need to be absent or present. He is faithful.
I'll end with the promise that I will never again eat dahi puchka. Sorry for this being so off topic, but my tummy is reminding me of it constantly. Dahi puchka, you are tasty, but not worth it. Tums...they better kick in soon. Oh man.
Goodnight, folks.
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