Disciplines

My new favorite food...chingri mach malai curry. Talk about bomb.

So this past weekend, we had the lovely gift of being fed and entertained by one of the Sari Bari managers. She and her husband recently had a baby, so she hasn't been at work; this was my first time to meet her. They invited us out to their home in a village outside of Kolkata, which was an absolute blessing because the villages are so peaceful. They are incredible people. I had never met either one of them, but they felt like strangers for about a whole 2 minutes, and from then on it felt like a group of friends just hanging out. They are a precious couple with an adorable baby...this family is going to do great things. Anyways, we had amazing food...her mother made chingri mach (shrimp) malai curry and it was the most delicious thing I've ever had. I got the recipe - yep, yep I did. But I always feel so loved by the families here and their hospitality. It's always a blessing. Of course, I felt like my stomach was going to explode, which isn't pleasant, but it's how they show love...so I'll take it.

I think one (yes, just one) of the things that I've learned from these people is how conditional or limited my love is. I don't really know how to explain it. I mean I don't really even understand the debt of it, but I see them love without end and it really makes me question how selfish my giving/loving is. For example, when we went to this family's house (and same case in the first family that hosted us), the family serves us at least two times over, puts us to rest (literally they give you a bed and say "rest"), and then they will eat. They assure their guests are completely finished, completely full before they ever touch the food. It's so giving. I'm gonna go ahead and say if I have guests over, I'm gonna be like "make sure you leave me some of those mashed potatoes...I worked hard on those and I dang sure want some." For real! I am amazed by how unconditional their love is...I didn't do anything to earn that family's love...I just met them. It's beautiful. I only wish love flowed from me that freely. That will be a life-long discipline for me.

And this also leads me to something I've realized during my time here. It is so hard for me to receive. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to just willing accept someone's kindness in gifts or action...I just don't. I will deny, deny, deny, and if they've pushed that far, they must actually want to give it, so I'll let them. That's the thing for me...I think I know deep down I'm poor at actually wanting to give things. It may be too costly or too much effort, therefore I assume that's the case for others and I try to let them off the hook before they have to get their hands dirty and do something nice for me. Or it could be a pride thing..."no, really...I can do this on my own". I would say either or both of these is the case for most Americans. We give out of obligation and not out of desire or we want to claim full independence, so when we reach the top all the glory is ours...or we die trying an incredibly stubborn individual and like it that way, because we can still claim independence. I'm not saying this is always the case, but let's be honest...they've both entered our hearts and minds. Either that or I just confessed to being a really mean person. But being here has taught me how to receive. I've learned how to accept blessings...great and small. Sometimes, it's difficult, because I know that these people work incredibly hard for what they gift me with, but the thing is...they want to do it. They truly want to give...and in return, they only want you to accept. It's humbling. All of it. To be blessed by someone with less "buying power" (if you will) than I, and to realize how small my own heart is.

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And today I realized something so simple, a foundation to faith, but in different words and spoken directly to my heart that gave me so much peace. First and foremost...emotions do not speak the truth. I don't think I've ever really come to that conclusion before...maybe in a round-about way, but still never so clearly spoken. I get caught up in the "feelings" of my relationship with Christ. I'm a feeler...hardcore, so that's not a surprise. But sadly I've let that dictate so many of my thoughts and truly control my life. So often I "feel" far from the Lord...even in times I'm not stuck in some sin or walking through a crap season in life...I just, again, "feel" stale about things. For so long, I've let that "feeling" make me think the Lord has sort of just up and left me. Maybe because I don't have things right (truth is, I never will) but that's just an emotion and it isn't speaking honestly. I may have walls up or ice around my heart that the Lord needs to tear down or melt, and I pray by His power he does so, but those "feelings" are not a reflection or where Christ stands in relation to me. It only takes me seeking His face and it will be revealed, because He is there. He hasn't abandoned me. He's right where He has always been and will always be - holding my hand. It is a discipline to choose to see God, even when whatever I'm feeling wants to convince me he is not there.

And the other day I realized that the ugly days in life...the ones I felt like God checked out on...have only affirmed His presence in my life, not his absence. His hand was and is and will always be there.

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My mom put it beautifully in an e-mail she sent when she said something along the lines of "our hearts hurt over the ugly things, because our hearts do not belong to us anymore...they are the heart of Christ...and he hurts over those things."

I tend to have the burden to make right every wrong, heal every wound, and love every unloved...I want to fix the never-ending list of issues this world has. I hear about hungry children, okay then let's go feed them. I hear about abused children, okay then let's go pull them away from those abusers and start a healing process. I hear about women and all the crap they take from men, and I want to find someway to change all that. I hear about all of the injustice in the world and I want to fix it all. I want to be on every team healing people in every nation, but the truth is I can't do that...I'm not God. I see all of those issues continuing to exist and feel helpless and burdened. But as I sat in church two days ago thinking about this, I felt the Lord's peace. He doesn't want me weighed down by the ugliness of the world...it's not my burden to carry. I need to shed that weight and pass it on to the Lord who has already come to provide a cure for the brokenness. So then I think about how I need to hand that to the Lord. What does that even look like? I'm not sure...I don't have that mastered (and won't), but I do know what it doesn't look like. I know it doesn't look like me failing to pray for those things. It doesn't look like me claiming to lay it at the foot of the cross and the walking on in life like I never encountered it. It doesn't look like me pretending I feel peace about it when I'm really torn up inside. I don't know know the balance. I don't know how to surrender it, but still carry the responsibility of pleading those causes to the Father. It's a battle for me. This will always be a developing discipline...surrendering the weight and the cause, but not pardoning myself to live as if it doesn't exist. But regardless of how well or poorly I do this, I hold to the fact His plan is better than mine. Know the victory is His and the darkness is overcome.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Those are words straight from the mouth of Jesus...they can be trusted.

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I write all these things and at the end realize I'm the creation of great God who doesn't know how to love well, lets my stupid emotions get in the way of my sight of that God, and struggle with the difference between surrendering and forgetting. It's a good thing God sent that Jesus guy down...I need both the saving and the example. Also, thank goodness I'm called to disciplines...I sure don't want to be that person in James 1:22-24 (at least not for my life)...I have been at times, but the Holy Spirit freely showers conviction and open your eyes when you pray for it. I can say that from experience. :)

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And I just have to end this blog with the story about the wedding that interrupted my writing of this blog. Good heavens...talk about a celebration. I heard drums for about 5 minutes and then decided to walk out to the balcony to see what was happening:  a wedding, not to be confused with a parade. Drums, dancers, lights, decorated cars...you know, the whole package. That was annoying. I had to yell at the girl in the room with me for her to be able to hear me. India, you are something else.

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Prayer requests...
I feel kind of thin. I'm trying to wrap up my time here - but still live in every moment, prepare for my return to America - but not exist there just yet, and still love all across the board. I feel like I'm being pulled in a ton of directions right now. I don't know if my heart has that many compartments. Just be praying for all of this. I've grown so much in my faith and as a person since I've been here, but I sorta feel like a t-shirt being wrung out a hundred times over. I also know that in my attempt to prepare for things that hurt me, I tend to shut down. Please be praying against that...I don't need my heart to leave here any earlier than I do. This journey home will be just as difficult as my arrival here, so please pray for all of it. I want every second here to pass so much slower than a normal second, but it wont, so I need to hold tight to every moment and also look to the coming days out of this city - pray the Lord directs me in this. I'm with an amazing organization that pours so much back into us. We have a debriefing retreat scheduled for a few days before we leave...be praying that time is productive for all of us.