Confessions...

I just really need to start this out with the confession that I am so terrible at loving people in this city. This place turns me into something different...something quite the opposite of a life that is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. I make assumptions about people. I judge constantly. I am a selfish person. I am a rude person. I do not reflect Christ well. Although, I don't claim to be perfect at home - far, far, far cry from that. But, I feel that this city shows me how sinful I truly am...or at least has begun to open my eyes to how often I'm not really walking the faith I claim. Maybe it is because the division between light and dark is so obvious here that I'm able to clearly see all the nasty black in my heart, whereas in America it's not an obvious division. There's too much grey there and I can stay as oblivious for as long as I desire...just neatly tuck my sin away and keep going or I just outright make excuses for it. Not here, sister/brother, that's not happening - I can see the darkness in my heart...every single day. I fail to love. I grow angry quickly. I have no patience. I expect the worst from everyone. But that is not okay...none of this is right! I was on the hour long bus ride to Mama T's this morning when I realized that because I spend so much time assuming that people have disgusting thoughts as they stare at me, going to rip me off if the price isn't printed on the item, going to inappropriately touch me every day I leave the house, etc...I completely miss opportunities to show kindness. Because I am so incessant upon blocking out the bad of the world around me (because I'm incredibly selfish and, by action,  would rather just ignore everything around me so that I live in a "safe" little bubble), I completely miss chances to act out of love. I miss out on opportunities the Lord has provided to bring light to this city. I judge everyone as being unworthy or undeserving of my patience, my understanding, my grace. I am a terrible person. I praise the Father above for his patience, his understanding, his grace...and I freaking cannot let that be the overflow of my heart for other people. Jeez.


Matthew 5:16 [ESV]
In the same way, let your light shine before others, 
so that they may see your good works 
and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.


I have failed. I pray that I am different over the course of the next three months. The Lord is faithful in opening my eyes to my wrongs. Week 2 of this journey, I prayed a very difficult pray, but one that no doubt fell on the ears of the Lord. It's so, so, so hard for me to ask the Lord to break me and mold me as he desires...and to mean it. But I did, and I still do. I just always ask that he does so gently. I hate that this is my heart...I hate that I have the thoughts and actions that I do in this city, but thankful for a loving Father that gently opened my eyes to it and will show me grace in my failures. He is so good.